You ever?

You ever feel so paranoid you just want to die? There is no question, you definitely know why and no you’re not crazy you know the blue sky but below is so hectic that you just want to fly up into the clouds; up into the sun…compared to this life, burning seems like fun. You have no family and you got no friends and it seems you’re on a time-loop that ends and starts again, and all you fing want is for your real life to begin but you slowly realize that it already has and this is it and then you wondered what list you signed up for this shit…You think you will make it cause you know you got it in you, but the rain won’t stop pouring and there’s no one to defend you when you’re sopping ass wet from despair and regret and you just wanna forget all the people that you met that held out a carrot when you were stinking like a ferret knowing there’s no merit and you never did prepare for it cause you thought it would be over when you stopped doing drugs but now you realize your addiction was always to bugs and leeches that will suck your blood till your fucking drained and now middle-aged and slightly fucking maimed from the torment in the brain, people calling you insane but you know you’re fucking not you just refuse to play their games.

One comment

  1. You are so good. I know your road is really fuckin hard but you are gonna make it through. Easy to say I know, but listen, you have a rare and very fine mind (and yes I think you’re also really fine). You’re strong because you’ve survived 30+ years of torture, and while that strength may sometimes feel about gone the fact is it’s why you’re alive. You made it this far. The situation now seems very dynamic, change-able. This can work in many directions & dimensions. If you keep your balance, mind your breathing and keep both eyes open, the next stage-set you find yourself walking into may feel better, something you can build upon.

    I can’t even slightly predict what that would be for you, but would just urge you to remember who you really are. You know. You are a radical foxy queen with a deep soul, a genius IQ and a broken heart. I don’t know if a broken heart can ever truly heal but we can very slowly and gently cultivate new ways to still feel love that isn’t fake and that don’t make us want to die even worse.

    I’ve been through some hard spaces in life myself, nothing compared to the extreme trauma that you’ve endured but damn hard enough. And no matter how badly i may have self-hypnotized with self-hating lies, i know who i really am. No matter how broken i can still take up the challenge with a smile, just because it’s always good to kick the devil’s ass. Cultivate that.

    I say again, the devil and his lies can just fuck off; the principalities & powers that promote the false principles of separation, fragmentation and powerlessness, all of that shit can just go down and stay the fuck down.

    Because fuck that shit. Don’t believe any of those jokers or their puppets in human form, even for a second.

    Sending you soothing peace for your heart, remembering you beautiful, knowing your integrity and intensity, sending you love.

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