I think I’m racist now

I don’t even know how to start this conversation, except to say two things:

  1.  I have never been a racist.
  2.  I feel like I am now.

Now, how it is that I was never discriminatory about color, I don’t know, I suppose I have to give all that credit to my mean-ass stepmother, because my dad is racist AS FUCK, and he always has been. However, wicked step-mother is an individual who possesses a few masters degrees, and her first love was art, so..I am guessing that back when she was in college, she was as flower-childy as she could be, without upsetting her rich, uppety parents.

I have a feeling that before she married my dad, that bitch was a cool motherfucker.

Nevertheless, she married the guy that would sit on the couch in the living room and “count niggers” on the t.v. and call the whole family in the room to share his vile disgust at all the channels which had on them, people of color.

I’m not shitting you…he would do that several times a week, for as long as I can remember.  He probably doesn’t do it anymore, though, because I think it would be just too overwhelming for him, at this point…and he’s fucking old now.

Not that it ever occurred to me to use the word, “nigger”, because I swear to God on everything I love, I NEVER thought about using that word when I was young, but step-mother made it more-than-clear, that was a word that was NOT to be repeated.

And I didn’t.

As I write this, please keep in mind that I was raised not only in South Louisiana, but in Livingston Parish, which is basically the home of the KKK, around these parts.

Does the name, DAVID DUKE, ring a bell?

I remember being a kid and actually feeling relieved at her strictness concerning race. I hated almost everything else about her, because she ruled our house with an iron fist, but that’s the one thing I actually (without consciously realizing) that I liked about her.

When I was in the second grade, there was this black kid named Grant, who would pass me a note, at least, every-other-day, which always said the same thing:

“I like you, do you like me?”

And then he would write a “yes” and a “no” and write underneath “circle one”.

I remember really liking him, but I knew that was not something on which I could circle “yes”.  So…I would scratch out his “yes or no” and write, “sort of”.

I did that EVERY TIME.

I ended up fucking Grant 23 years later, but that’s another story.

When I was 19 I got on hard drugs and ended roaming every hood in Baton Rouge.  I did it for more than ten years and I am still alive…I am a fucking “OG”.  I don’t do the drugs anymore (like that), nor am I a hood rat, anymore.  Yeah, I was kidnapped, raped at knife-point, gang-banged at gun-point…one time, during a kidnapping, I ended up in an apartment where the dudes walked around with AK’s strapped to their chest and did nothing but peep out the blinds.  One of them brought me to the bedroom, AK in my face, and told me to suck his dick.  Dude pulled out his cock and it was covered in warts….

….I told him to shoot me….AND I FUCKING MEANT IT.

He remained silent…but he didn’t shoot me, and the kidnapper put me back in his van and we left.

All that to say…I have been off the shit for more than a decade, but I’m still not rich enough to not live in the hood.  This new neighborhood, in this new parish I moved to….OMFG…the reverse racism is ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS.  I have never felt so discriminated against…even when I was a full-blown junkie…

…and I think I’m racist now.





….and if you find yourself JUDGING ME, respond with a comment, so I can respond, in kind, and defend myself.