borderline

Cherry on top

Major depressive disorder is worse than so many chronic illnesses.  I mean,  you can be depressed, but it’s not like this.  I can literally sleep 20 hours a day without any drugs.  It is so hard to get out of bed and on the days I do push myself out of bed, all the while,  telling myself that once I GET UP AND AT EM’, I’ll feel better,  and then I don’t. ..it makes me nauseous on top of everything else.

Ok…this IS FUNNY…I’m your trap queen

You GOTTA know you reading a BORDERLINE BITCH’S BLOG, when she tries to push away her own followers…

OMG…I am fucking sick.

Therapist?

I quit jobs, too

I will be the first to admit that I have an extremely difficult time navigating interpersonal relationships.  I do not have many, I never have.

I have no family that I speak to, even though if I hocked a loogie hard enough, I could probably land the ball of mucous in the yard where I grew up, at the home of “my parents”, who raised me.

I cut them off.

I cut people off.

It’s not hard for me.

I have had to do it to two of my own children.  Not, at all, because I wanted to, but because I had no choice.  Emotions and feelings can beat the crap out of me, like no person ever has, physically.

Don’t go presuming shit concerning the aforementioned admission, because you don’t know the background.  To judge me for an admission I made without me giving you the background is ignorant at best and hateful at worst.

And no, I ain’t giving no background about that right now cause that’s not what this entry concerns.

The point I would like to make is this:  If you are one of the very few I have an interpersonal relationship with, then I need COMMUNICATION.  There is NO RELATIONSHIP that is functional without honest communication.

This shit has become a job.

I quit those, too.

 

 

 

So I write….4/20-4/21 Random

4/20/16

I feel stagnant today.  I want to create something but nothing is coming but some random thoughts so, if you’re interested, here they are:

There is a cardinal that keeps flying past me, I wonder who it is from beyond telling me, “hello”.

I was very angry yesterday about deleting my Instagram account.  I lost several pictures and videos that I will never get back, plus, what’s the point in taking selfies, anymore?

None.

I am not angry anymore.  I have no feeling about it anymore.

That didn’t take long.

I’m good at making feelings disappear.  Maybe that’s why I tattooed ‘ABRAHADABRA’ on my arm, myself.  I did a pretty good job on that tattoo, especially since it was my first one.

4/21/16

More random thoughts until some rhymes spill out of my face.

This is the most satanic week of the year, according to Illuminati conspiracy theorists…I tend to agree with them on this, given historical records about horrible ass shit that has happened during the days of April 19-30, down through the annals of time.

If a relationship constantly feels like work, what does that mean?

Jesus came to visit me yesterday, it was a pretty cool meeting….not as cool as the time He came in the flesh, last year, a night I haven’t written about yet because there are almost no words in any language to describe that night.  No matter how I re-tell it, I never can do it justice.  I can say this, though, Jesus is one cool ass dude to chill with….he’s nothing but love.  He really has no condemnation or judgement in him, not that I saw or felt, and my instinct was to worship him…but that part got weird because he used this kid Mike Fresh’s body, and Mike Fresh was young and arrogant….and that gets on my nerves…but I can assure you, it doesn’t get on JC’s nerves.

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Stepdad

My God, you’re old now…what?  Like 76?  Literally…cause you were born in 1940.  I bet you still look like you’re in your fifties, though, just like your mom.

I never liked you..I didn’t really like your mom, either.

Your soul stank, I could smell it at 3 years old.

Jesus didn’t make me a rocket scientist

“If I can’t have all of you, I don’t want none of you” -athenaswickedowl

I don’t have Instagram anymore, to scroll through and look at people’s pictures…people I don’t even really know, and whose pictures I don’t even really like.  I just like them, anyway, to ‘pay it forward’ or whatever that dumb shit is that only about 1% of the population really does.

What’s funny is that even though I’m liking their pictures that I don’t even really like, they’re not liking any of my pictures they don’t even really like…and that pisses me off.

Why can’t I just not like any of their pictures I don’t even fucking like?

BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE POST SHIT BECAUSE THEY WANT IT TO BE LIKED OR THEY WOULDN’T HAVE FUCKING POSTED IT.

Jesus….he didn’t even make me a rocket scientist…

So I write Pt.420161

I did have something that I wanted to write about, but I forgot when I had to reset my password because I forgot and logged on to Internet Explorer instead of Chrome.

Blah.

Maybe I’ll just sit here in the garage, with the door open, watching it rain and write whatever comes to my mind.

I just thought in the middle of that last sentence that I wanted to say: “whatever comes to my fucking mind” but then my mind said, “no, Athena, let’s not use so much abundant profanity”.

Ok, mind.

Before it started raining, the jealous girlfriend who moved in across the street a couple months ago that hates me for no other reason than being an ugly, jealous, insecure bitch, and hates me just as much as the last jealous girlfriend who was evicted from that same house three months ago….the same bitch who jumped me with 5 other bitches and consequently made ME the neighborhood little white ass legend….just came outside ranting and raving and cussing and fussing and saying direct things, indirectly, while I’m sitting in my metal folding chair pointed straight at her house but not bothering to look….I just hear the bullshit in my peripheral.

Today, that shit’s just not important enough to even put my phone in a safe place for fighting.

Oh yeah…no profanity…shit.

I don’t know how to divide up my time between work, my boyfriend, my kids and myself.

I don’t know how to completely quit drinking.

I don’t know how to trust.

I don’t know how anyone trusts anyone, let alone, trust enough people to be able to talk down to me about my FUDGING trust issues.

I got rid of all my social media today, except for this blog and my YouTube channel, which, honestly, aren’t that social, anyway.

I am sad about this.  I am angry about this.  I feel hurt over this.

So I write.

Talk to you later.

One Single Tear: A Nightmare

I just want to write tonight.  I can’t sleep.  Lord knows I have been doing a whole lot of that this week.  I slept so much I found out that my kidneys are not working while I drink. Yet̷…

Source: One Single Tear: A Nightmare

Like Jim Morrison

I got out bed at noon today.  I was back in the girls’ room sleeping and they both slept with me, the night before, in a twin size bed.  There was no room for my son, so he slept on the floor by the doorway.  I did wake up with them at 7:30 so I could brush the girls hair for school and kiss them before they left.  I didn’t get out of bed though, and as soon as they were gone I went right back to sleep.

It is a brutally gorgeous day.  I am thinking how I wish I could take a handful of all of this beauty I see and deposit it inside my brain.  My brain definitely needs some sunshine.

I left him again.  I have been gone longer this time than any of the other previous leavings.

It’s not that I don’t love him because I do. He is the one who showed me how to love.  He is the one who taught me about intimacy.

He made me an awesome cook.

He also lies to me.  I have repeatedly demonstrated to him how easy it is to tell the truth about a thing.  Yes, it is very hard at first, but once the truth is out, everything starts to heal.

I’m left with the question:  Can you have real intimacy with lies?

I don’t know, for sure, but I don’t think I can, personally.

I can barely be intimate with anyone, at all, much less be intimate with a person I know is lying to me.

I have tried to talk to him about this lying stuff, and only one time has he admitted to any wrong doing.  Every other time he gets immediately angry and then tells me I am turning everything around on him.  He does this even when faced with facts.

I wish I could be so evolved that the thought of him being with another person wouldn’t bother me….like Jim Morrison.

I am not Jim Morrison and I do care when the person I love can look me dead in my eyes and lie.  I am tired of having to swallow down my gut instincts to avoid a fight.

“Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself – and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.” -Jim Morrison