Change is hard sometimes, most of the time, actually.

After four years I changed the background, the fonts, the size of the fonts, the arrangement of the pages of this blog and….eh…idk.

I’m probably gonna change it back.

It is 3:48 a.m. on a weekend morning.  I’m not sure if it’s Sunday or Monday but it doesn’t really matter because every day is Sunday or MOnday to me.

For the past couple of months I have been in a stupendous depression.  I am not really sure what caused it but I suppose about two or three variables that could be involved.

Me and him have not spoken all week.  I’m sure to hear it told to one of his buddies out of his own mouth it would sound like chinese to me.  None of it would be intelligible, that is  unless I spoke Mandarin or Cantonese….and you never know, one of those is on my bucket list.

I had my first sip of drink in over a week earlier this evening.  I say “this evening” but I think the sip which was granted to me as a full-fledged DRINK was poured after midnight.

I ain’t drunk.

I ain’t buzzed.


it’s 4:10 a.m. now.

I am not mad about being ignored.  I never was.  I did nothing to be ignored.  The only thing I did was ask my partner of 6 years some questions about some weird shit on his bank statement and he made it into a whole thing so he could ignore me, I suppose.

I turned 42 this past Monday.  I have had a pretty strong feeling for several years that life is going to change at 42.  My birthday is 4-2.  If you google forty-two, here’s what you find:  PURE BADDASSERY You’ll also find THIS.

I’ve been so depressed since Christmas I haven’t cared much for hygiene, but on my birthday, since I was being ignored anyway, I took the first selfies I’ve taken in a hundred years.

Wanna see?  I’m gonna show you anyway because clearly I’m sober.


Liebster Award

I got nominated for the Liebster Award. I want to thank THE REVERIE OF A SINGLE MOTHER for nominating me. She has a really great blog and I hope everyone who follows me follows her! These are the rules:

The Liebster Award is awarded to bloggers with under 200 followers to try to promote their blog a little and also bring together a community of bloggers. The rules of the competition are as follows:

  • The nominated user must provide a link bank to the person who nominated them.
  • Provide 11 facts about yourself.
  • Answer 11 questions set by the person who nominated you.
  • Choose 11 more people and ask them 11 questions.

Eleven Facts about me

  1. The etymology of my full name means “princess, rose of Sharon, Lily of the valley, son of God”.
  2. I was sued by my city for fashioning a middle finger with Christmas lights on my roof.  I won my case in Federal court with the gracious help of the ACLU, with a special thanks to Justin Harrison, of the ACLU.  This made international news two years in a row.
  3. Though I am his daughter, my father referred to me as “son” and “boy”.
  4. I was married for seven years until it ended in a bitter divorce in 2013, at which time I lost custody of my youngest three children.
  5. My mother lost custody of me when I was a year and a half old and spent the next three decades slowly drinking herself to death.
  6. I am currently drinking myself to death.
  7. Before I broke off my five year relationship with my last psychiatrist, he diagnosed me with Major Depression.
  8. I am a recluse.
  9. Besides alcohol, I remain unmedicated.
  10. My dog just threw up.
  11. Eleven is my second favorite number.

My questions

  1. Why did you start blogging?  I started blogging mostly so my children will have their questions about me answered, in case I don’t live long enough to answer them.  I have so many questions I need to ask my mom, but I can’t because she’s dead, I don’t want that to be the case for my children.
  2. Who, what, and/or where does your blogging inspiration come from?  Pain, anger, unanswered questions, sadness, and the hope that someone else will relate

  3. What is your favorite quote?  “Hey, you, are you trying to be mean? You live with apes, man, it’s hard to be clean.” -Marilyn Manson

  4. If you were the main character in a movie, which actress would you want to play your role? Juliette Lewis

   5. What do you dislike about blogging? (Be honest!)  Mean people….but that’s usually the reason I dislike anything.

  1. What is your favorite book?  oh…wow…um…..yeah….ummmm…there’s SO MANY….books are my thing. However, I have two that I don’t live without and those are ‘Sephir Sapphires’ Volumes 1 & 2.

  2. What is the hardest thing you have ever done, or the biggest obstacle you have faced in your life?  Losing my children and I haven’t finished facing it…I still have a ways to go and I’m not going about it intelligently, I do realize this….I guess I’m a pussy and the pain is so much to bear, so on most days, I really just want to die.

  3. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do or where would you go?  This is funny because when I was a kid, being invisible was always the second super-power I fantasized about having, besides the ability to stop time.  I haven’t thought about being invisible much as an adult…I think I already am.

  4. What do your friends/family think about your blogging?  I’m not sure what my friends think and since my family hates me, I’m pretty sure they REALLY hate my blogging….especially dear old dad.

  5. What is one of the best things you like about yourself?  My ability to always speak the truth.

Here’s my questions for you:

1.  Why do you blog?

2.  What’s the most traumatic thing in your life that’s happened?

3.  How do you deal with assholes?

4.  Do you believe in an afterlife?

5.  What is your favorite thing to do, besides blogging?

I nominate the following awesome bloggers:  Gardener’s Blog, Dandelion Fuzz, Bob and Emily, Because I can…, jump into the fog, My Experience with Lupus, thenarcissistwrites, The Blog, Splendid Sass, In fugam, Life in Poetry

Thanks again for the nomination!!!